wave of light

Mommy loves you, sweet girl.

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time.

As this year rolls on, some of the first loss moms I met after Kenley died are “celebrating” (what an awful word) their dead children’s 2nd birthday’s. It’s the same general consensus, though: It doesn’t feel any better. It’s less raw, sure, but it is still the most painful, and absolutely heartbreaking thing to ever happen to us. It always will be.

There also seems to be another popular theme surrounding the time passing after a child’s death.  Everyone is expecting us to “feel better” by now.

Feel better!? We’re not sick or sad! Our children died. What the fuck?

I was talking to a few friends the other day, and we were discussing PTSD and the effect it has on our everyday life. We all agree that most people don’t believe PTSD after child loss is a real thing, but it totally is. There are so many triggers in every day life, and people just expect you to be ok after a little time passes. It’s a different scenario, obviously, but would you tell a War Veteran to “forget” killing people? Or to “forget” seeing his “brothers” get blown up by an IED, or suicide bomber? NO. You would never. NO ONE would ever tell those people to forget those things. That is awful for those war vets; it’s terrible, it’s tragic, people died, they witnessed it, they have to live with those things FOREVER. Those are things you cannot erase from your mind; those are things that haunt you forever no matter how hard you may try to suppress them.

So, what is so different about our situations?…

We witnessed death.

We held OUR lifeless children in our arms.

Some even had to make the choice to end life support.

We have to live every day with those images in our head. (Images that are supposed to be joyful, and wonderful, and they are–except they’re not. They flood your brain every single time you close your eyes and see your child who was blue, or had dark red rosy lips…)

I don’t understand how people think that child loss PTSD isn’t real. 

One friend said someone told her she should be able to “fake” small talk with people, and that she needs to be happy for other people’s happy news (i.e. pregnancy announcements). She said something to us in reply like “imagine having your baby die, and tell me if you ever want to attend another fucking baby shower…”

Trust me, you won’t.

It’s not like we are all sitting over here wishing other peoples babies would die; we’re not. We’re over here wishing WE weren’t the statistic, wishing OUR babies had lived, wishing OUR lives never took a turn for the worst, wishing OUR families were complete, and that WE could be excited about our subsequent children without the fear, and sadness of having lost other children.

As the seasons change, and Kenely’s 2nd birthday creeps ever closer (81 days) I wanted to make it known that the sadness doesn’t “go away“. I want people to know they’re wrong if they think I should be “better”. And finally, if you ever tell me that I should be better, I shouldn’t be sad over the death of my daughter, or ANYTHING similar…I’m pretty sure that will be the end of our relationship.

Please join me in honoring Kenley and all of the children gone too soon on Sunday at 7 p.m. by lighting a candle in their memory. If you have extra thoughts this week, please dedicate them to the life of my daughter; she deserves to be remembered.

She was here.

She is real.

She is my Daughter.

She is a Sister.

She is a Granddaughter, and a Great-Granddaughter.

She lived and only knew love.

She is my greatest what if.

ring.

Two years ago today, Shane gave me a past, present, and future ring for my birthday.

The ring is beautiful, and I wear it every day. I never take it off.

I was pregnant with Kenley at the time.

This ring is the only thing I have as a “gift” from Kenley.

Today, Shane gave me a card and he had written the sweetest things inside.

This post really has no meaning. I just can’t believe that this is my second birthday without Kenley, and that can only mean one thing…Only a few more months until HER second birthday.

How should she be almost 2? I can’t wrap my head around it.

I miss you, sweet girl. I miss you so much. You are perfect, and beautiful and I would give anything to hold you in my arms again.img_203817a364d2-2d0f-4094-bcf4-8d2d2487ea71

had.

Today while feeding Alden I felt like I was hit by a bus. I don’t know why but I looked at her and thought of Kenley.

How I HAD her.

How she was 7 days away from her c-section.

How I could have been feeding her,

But I never will.

It just washed over me again; the pain and sadness of loss hit me hard.

I miss her. I want her here with us. I want to see what she would look like. She was full term.

Full term babies aren’t supposed to die.

No babies are, but full term?

I’ll never fucking understand.

Also, today I put away my dishes only to eventually realize that they were dirty.

Grief is a bitch. I cannot focus.

Kenely’s Birthday Project & Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.

October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.

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What better month to ramp up the final round of donations for Kenley’s Birthday Project! This whole project is in memory of her, and to help other parents going through what we went through, so I think it’s a perfect time for people to really reach out and help make this a possibility for us.

Please consider donating to this project in memory of our sweet Kenley, and all babies gone too soon.

Currently, things are looking great for the care packages. I need a few more items to complete the 40 packages that are our goal. To complete the care packages I need the following (each item is linked directly to my wish list, so if you wish to purchase it, just click the link! You can change quantity at checkout):

8- Willow Tree figurines 

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8- My love will find you books

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And the other items we are hoping to donate we need in these amounts:

20- Hand and Foot mold kits

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31- The Invisible String Book

(This book explains loss in a way that older children can understand, and I am so thankful to have gotten multiple copies from friends after Kenley died. Landon still talks about it.)

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And we need 6 girl sleepers to meet our 40 donated goal, and 15 boy sleepers to meet the 40 goal. You could purchase these off our wishlist or you can purchase them and mail them to me. Whatever you wish!

 

Please help us make this a reality for parents who have will go through what we went through. Having these items won’t bring their baby back, but it will allow them physical things to take home to remember their children by.

In lieu of purchasing items off of our wish list, you can also donate to our gofundme account:

Kenley’s 2nd Birthday Project gofundme account

 

Please consider donating to make this a possibility!

All monetary donations go directly toward care packages, and I cannot wait to share the final outcome with everyone when it’s time to donate them for her 2nd birthday!

 

If you wish to help in another way, please contact me to let me know how you want to help!

 

randoms

Alden had shots on Tuesday. Poor girl! 4 shots and the flu shot. But thank goodness she doesn’t need anymore until she’s one. She is 17.14 lbs and 27.25 inches long. She hasn’t really grown or gained weight too much since her last appt. The doctor said we are at a good age to try and start sleep training her.

The next night I decided I would give it a try. She cried for an hour when I laid her down. I obviously went in to comfort her at timed intervals, but I dunno. I just couldn’t do it. With Landon, I stuck it out and made sure it worked. I put in the effort, listened to him cry for countless nights, over and over…I heard her crying and it broke my heart into a million pieces.

I don’t WANT to sleep train her. I WANT to rock her and cuddle her every night until she’s asleep. I love her smell, and the feeling of her warm little body against mine; my heart beats so hard when I hold her because I just have so much love for her. Sure, it’s hard at 1,3,5, a.m. But, I love her and I wasn’t planning on another baby so it’s hard for me to force myself to sleep train her just because I’m having a new baby.

No, I don’t think I can rock her and rock the baby and get proper sleep. But, I just don’t think I’m ready yet. Maybe I’ll try again in a few weeks…my momma heart broke and I couldn’t do it.

Today, I had an MFM appt. I’m 14+5 and baby looked great. She was moving and dancing all over. I had some repeat blood work done and all looked well. Our next appt is set for 10/26 and it will be the detailed anatomy scan. ALREADY. I can’t believe it. I think I’m still in shock if that’s even possible.

Tomorrow we’re going to walk a piece of property we’ve been looking at. Hopefully we like it, and we can move forward with getting our house ready to sell/building a new home. It’s so hard to make a decision on something like this. If we build it’s going to be our forever home so we need to make sure we’re in love with the land.

The other night I was holding Alden while rocking her and I looked at her sweet head and thought “I can’t imagine my life without you”. I now can’t imagine life without Alden, and on the flip side I don’t allow myself to think about life with Kenley. I can’t let my brain go there. I don’t know that I could handle the sadness and desire that would come if I did.

It’s an odd feeling…it’s a feeling of guilt, and sadness, and joy. I want both of my girls here. I don’t want to have to live without either of them.

Mom guilt is a very real and strong thing. Parenting after loss is incredibly difficult.

shots.

Today Alden had her 6 month check up. She is 17.14 lbs and 27.25 inches tall! She had to get 4 shots and one drinkable shot. My poor girl…I hate seeing her in pain and the shots seemed to take forever this time.

She fell asleep on the drive home and she’s been napping ever since. I know it has to hurt terribly getting four shots in our legs at one time.

In other news, she is sitting up by herself (for a while now) and she’s starting to try to crawl. Watching her up on her hands and knees is hilarious but I’m always scared she’s going to smack her face on a toy, or the floor if she falls. She loved to put ALL things in her mouth, especially her toes. She’s so much fun. I’m just waiting for her to start mocking us and saying things but mostly we just get blowing raspberries or loud screams.

It’s very hard for me to believe that in a few short months I will have another baby. Today at the peds office the receptionist tried to schedule Alden’s 9 month appointment on Kenley’s 2nd birthday. I was just taken by surprise and off guard by it. I said no of course and we scheduled for another day. It was weird how off my guard I was. I guess maybe I just didn’t expect to be taken by surprise at her appt. I don’t know.

I had to hold back the tears. Here I am setting up a 9 month appt when I should be setting up a 2 year well check. But that won’t ever happen, at least for Kenley.

So weird.

I will never understand why I lost my daughter but other people get to keep theirs.