random.

Tonight we went to Landon’s 1st grade open house. I cannot believe that he is going to start first grade tomorrow. I remember the grief I felt last year as he started KG. I felt so upset because Kenley wasn’t there to walk through his classroom with us, she wasn’t there to see her big brother go to school. It was a very rough time for me, and I find myself feeling similar things this year. It’s just not fair. I think that I could say that until I had no more breath in my lungs, and it wouldn’t be enough.

Alden loved being in Landon’s classroom today. Tons of colors, beach theme, the teacher tied balloons on each child’s chair with their name written on them. (Later, when we got home, Landon said “Maybe I will send this balloon up to Kenley to let her know I’m thinking of her”….My momma heart exploded…) Some kids were in his class that were in his class last year so I think that helped. He is nervous. He keeps saying he has a belly ache, and I reassure him that he is going to do amazing.

I packed his lunch tonight, and made sure I wrote him a note telling him to have a great day. I’m going to miss him while he’s gone. I can’t believe it’s the start of school again…time is flying.

•••

We’re trying to transition Alden to her crib. That seems like a pretty innocent statement right? Wrong. SO many emotions surrounding it. I’m scared she will stop breathing in her crib and I will never know. I’m scared she will fall out of her crib (obviously impossible…), I’m scared. I don’t want my baby to die; I don’t want another baby to die. Hearing her cry at night while she falls asleep is just heart breaking. I don’t WANT to let her cry, I don’t want to hear her scream because she want’s me to go in there and pick her up. I look at her, and I never want to put her down. I know that those things are impossible if I ever want to sleep through the night, but my heart just hurts. I went in to calm her down tonight, and sang to her. Immediate smile. My heart exploded, and I just wanted to pick her up and hold her so tight.

Hearing her little cries from outside the room just broke my heart. I wanted to hear Kenley’s little cries from that room…it’s so weird.

Last night, she went to bed at 7 pm. It took her 21 minutes to fall asleep (I went in periodically to calm her down). She woke up a lot. She was up at 9:45, 12:21, 1:52, 4:02, and up for the day at 6:30. We will see what happens tonight….

 

•••

I need to clean out Landon and Alden’s closets. They both have so many clothes and they’ve both outgrown them all. I swear our house is busting at the seams and it’s only going to get worse.

•••

I was able to hang out with my lifelong best friend last night! She came back to Ohio to visit her family and made a trip down here to stay with me for a night. I needed to see her. We got a pizza and ended up staying up until 1 am talking. I miss her so much, and I wish she was my next door neighbor.

•••

Kenley’s care packages are coming along nicely. I was just sent the final package of tissues so those are all purchased! We have 40 “memories too few” books now, and I just ordered all the “you are the mother of all mothers” book as well. I need to find that time to reevaluate what I need, and update my amazon wishlist. I’m hoping things come together soon.

 

star.

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

Up above the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

Alden loves when I sing this to her. She stops looking around and stares right into my eyes.

I like to believe it's because she knows I'm singing about her older sister…

I love you Kenley.

You're my little star.

sinner.

After Kenley died I heard a plethora of the standard platitudes. A lot of the “it was gods plan” (it wasn’t) or “everything happens for a reason” (it doesn’t). When you lose a child those things are not comforting to anyone except the person saying them. Hearing that everything (my child dying) happened for a reason was and always will be like a knife in my already broken heart; salt in the wound.

Today, I went to get a pedicure. It’s the first time I’ve been out of the house to do something for me in a while. I was hesitant to leave, but I knew it would be good for me. I sat down, and started to soak my feet; I really need this I thought to myself. It will be good for me. The lady who was working had a kind face. She started out asking if I had just gotten off work to which I replied “No, I’m a stay at home Mom and just snuck away for a little bit to relax.”  This opened up the flood gates so to speak.

“How many kids do you have?” she asked.

“I have two living children and one Daughter who was stillborn at 38w4d”.

“I am so sorry” she replied, “I cannot imagine how difficult that must be”.

I thank her for her condolences and continue to look at my phone in hopes of her ending the conversation. (In my head I think the usual “yeah you’re right, you couldn’t ever know unless you’ve lost a child”) 

What she said next took me by surprise and caused me to feel a pain I haven’t felt in a really long time.

She looked at me and said ” In my culture, we believe that babies who die before birth, or are born with handicaps have sinned in a previous life, and therefore that is their punishment. You could think of it like that if it would help you feel less stressed.”

She’s lucky these words came out of her mouth as she was finished with my pedicure, and in a room full of way too many women for me to make a scene. I could not, for one second, believe that she thought it was ok to say this to a complete stranger. Your culture believes that my unborn child sinned in a previous life, they believe my innocent baby girl was a sinner, and so that’s why she didn’t get to live? What is the matter with people?

THIS is exactly why I don’t believe in organized religion AT ALL.

These people, and their Gods. Are you KIDDING me?

I left, and I cried the entire ride home. I cried hard. I haven’t felt that level of anger at a person in a long time. I wanted to scream at her, and just scream in general. How dare she think that my child is anything less than perfection. She is perfect. She will always be perfect. She was never touched by the worlds cold hands. She only knew love and comfort in my womb.

My momma heart was hurt tonight at the hands of an ignorant person. I miss my sweet daughter more than anyone could ever know, and to think for even one second that she is less than absolute perfection just broke my heart into a million pieces.

Kenley, my sweet girl, you are not a sinner. You are nothing but perfect. I love you with all that I am, and all that I will ever become in this life time. I cannot wait for the day that we are reunited and I can feel your skin against my face. Mommy loves you.

 

tree.

Landon is getting so good at riding his bike. Tonight he was riding his bike down the driveway while Alden and I sat in the yard. He was doing so well, and yelled “Mommy! I’m going to try to ride to Kenley’s tree!”, so I encouraged him and off he went.

Snap.

He ran straight into the tree, and broke it off at the base.

The tree is dead, I’m almost 100% positive, but I can’t bring myself to take it down. It’s dumb, and it looks awful there, but…I just couldn’t do it.

When Landon hopped off of his bike I knew that he was going to feel bad. He started to cry. He ran over to me and he kept saying how sorry he was. I started to cry, and I felt extremely bad because I knew I shouldn’t cry so he wouldn’t feel even worse. I kept telling him I knew it was an accident and that it was ok it was already dead.

I feel so sad for him still. His poor big brother heart was breaking because he thought he hurt her tree. He is such a great big brother to Kenley and I know he misses her so much. I often wonder if we should have let him meet her. At the time it didn’t feel right; I was worried about traumatizing him. No child should lose a sibling that they never had the chance to meet. I often wonder if not letting them meet will scar him in the long run. I guess there is no step by step guide of how to handle these situations. We did the best we could with what we knew.

When Alden was born and he met her for the first time, I was unable to be there. She was in the NICU and he met her through glass. I saw video of this and I have only ever been able to watch it one time.  It’s so bittersweet. I want my son to know BOTH of his sisters, and that will never happen. He is so good with Alden. He wakes up every morning and comes to see her; kisses her goodnight every evening. He loved on her while she was in my belly, and he loves on her even more now. He feeds her, and loves to see her smile at him. I cannot wait until she starts laughing at him.

It’ so hard to know that he has all this love in his heart, and he never got to share that love with Kenley outside of my womb.

 

child. 

There are times where I look at my children and I can’t believe I made them. They’re all mine, and there is nothing they can do to escape me (haha!). I feel so happy and such joy when I see them, but sometimes I wonder if they sense my sadness. Sometimes I wonder if when they’re older they will be embarrassed of our life and their dead sister. 

I think for the most part I am able to keep my shit together for them, but there are things that make me cry or make me have a rough day. Landon I know senses it. He asks me often if things are “going to make me cry”, or if I’m “sad about Kenley”. When she first died I remember telling him that this will be with me forever; that I will always be sad because his sister didn’t get to come home with us. And I know he understands that sadness because he misses her too. 

Another thing I feel lately is a weirdness when I say I miss Kenley. I knew her for 38 weeks, but, I didn’t know her outside of my womb. It’s just been hitting me a little weird lately. I don’t even really know how to explain it. I guess it’s like…what is there to miss (but at the same time what I’SNT there to miss…)? I never made memories with her, I never got to see her roll over or witness her trying peas for the first time. 

Life is weird in the “after” and it just seems that every day comes with a new mountain to climb for lack of better words. Every day brings a new milestone that Alden is completing that her sister never had a chance to. 

So weird. 

#Streamofconsciousness

Update: Kenley’s Care Packages

I was just going over the items that have been sent so far for our project and I just need to share with everyone because I am amazed by the generosity of the people involved!

So far we have-

We also have 12 packs of tissues, all the pens requested, and all of the journals requested. The candles are being donated by Aggies on Main again! I cannot wait to get them because they smell so amazing. I know that they were able to bring some comfort to the parents who lost their babies last year and early this year.

Our gofundme has raised $580 as well! This money is going toward the book “You are the Mother of all Mothers”. 40 of these books are nearly $500. This book was so beneficial for me when Kenley died; it showed me that I was not alone in all of my deep dark feelings. I also will have some money left over to put toward some relaxing hand lotion for the care packages.

I am so excited to keep moving forward with this project! It makes my heart smile when the mail lady brings packages every day! She probably hates me — Job Security, though, amiright!? 

Thank you for all your help!