Mother’s Day.

Thursday, Shane took Landon to buy me a Mother’s Day card/Gift. They came home with a beautiful floral arrangement, and a card. Landon walked in the door holding plant food, and handed it to me. I hadn’t even seen the flowers yet. He’s so funny.

Shane brought them in, and gave them to me. They’re beautiful; Lilies, Tulips, and Hydrangeas. I’m so lucky to be a Mother, and trust me I am thankful for Landon every single day. I’m pretty sure he’s my little miracle child. He was conceived on the first try, came at 36 weeks, and has been a ball of energy since. I never knew how lucky I was to have him until I was diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve.

That didn’t come out right…let me explain. Landon was SO easy to conceive. He just happened. I never had the fear of losing him, because I never thought miscarriage could happen to me. I was blissfully unaware of the things that could go wrong in a pregnancy. I went to all of my Dr’s appointments and googled all the things, as most first time mothers do. When I started getting headaches so terribly that I couldn’t breathe, I decided it was time to go to the hospital. Boom, Cue Landon’s birth 12 hours later.

After he was born, I was told I had severe preeclampsia. I was at risk for having seizures, death, and my child could have been stillborn. What an awful thought! Why didn’t someone educate me on what could happen? Why was this never brought up to me at the doctor visits? Why didn’t someone explain to me what it was AFTER the fact? There was no information. It was “hey, this is what you had, here is your baby, you’re lucky.” Then I continued on with my life still blissfully unaware because I thought things would be better monitored next time. I remember nothing of Landon’s birth.

This morning I woke up and immediately didn’t want to get out of bed. Mother’s Day- AGAIN- without one of my children. This time it was different for me though. My first miscarriage happened after Mother’s Day. My second miscarriage happened before Mother’s Day. Those Mother’s Day’s were overshadowed by my desire for another baby that ended too soon. This Mother’s Day it’s overshadowed by the fact that my full term rainbow baby died in my womb and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t save her. No. Matter. What. I couldn’t do a single fucking thing.

It’s beautiful today; Sunny and not a cloud in the sky. 74 degrees. Kenley should be here, and she should be dressed in something so cute that it makes my heart burst with joy. Instead I’m trying to find things to keep my mind occupied and not think about what today is. It’s bitter sweet for me. I’m so thankful to be able to celebrate with my living Son, but I just want Kenley here to celebrate with us. I just want my baby girl.

Today is also our 6 year wedding anniversary. Six years. I can’t believe it. We’ve been together for 12 years already. Where has time gone? I never expected this to be how our 6 years of marriage would go. Six years… A wonderful son, lots of stress, infertility diagnosis,  2 miscarriages, and a gone too soon daughter. A dead child. A child who was completely healthy the entirety of her life, until one day she wasn’t. Until her heart stopped beating.

I am so thankful to have my Husband and Son, don’t get me wrong. I look at them everyday and my heart bursts with pride. I get to be with Shane for the rest of our lives?! I am SO lucky!!  I made Landon, and he loves me with everything he has!? I’m so lucky!!

Missing you today, sweet K. Mommy loves you.  The hole you left in my heart is aching a little more today…I hope you know how loved you are.3adef77c027fe9a5e1de572a54c2a552

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