On Wednesday’s Shane and I see a therapist. I don’t think he was super thrilled to start going, but I think he looks forward to it now. I could be totally wrong, but I don’t think I am 😉 It gives us an hour a week to dedicate to talking about Kenley in a “safe” place.
Shane and I have been very open with each other since everything happened. Honestly, that’s never been an issue for us; we talk about allllll the things. I know that we are both handling our grief differently, obviously, but we’re both going through it. I figured it was a good plan for us to have someone to talk to, so I don’t place all of my grief on Shane and expect him to carry it. I can’t expect that from Shane (even though I know he would do that for me; he has done that for me).
Today the therapist spoke about the movie “what dreams may come”. I’ve never seen it but I guess the husband and wife lose their children, the woman struggles a lot/ in a different way than her husband, and then the husband ends up dying as well. The woman ends up taking her own life, and makes her own “hell/limbo”, while the husband is in his own “heaven/limbo and it’s a happy place for him with good memories. I’m not sure the rest of it but ultimately my therapist said the woman in the movie just wanted her husband to meet her in her grief; be with her in her level of sadness.
I thought about it and really understand that. The difference is that I don’t want Shane to meet me in my grief. I think he feels his own “level” of grief differently than I do. Sometimes I look at Shane and think “he’s handling this very well”. Not like in a way that I’m mad he’s doing better, but in a way that I wonder if I’m stuck here. Am I making my own hell? The therapist said everything I’m feeling is normal, and 100% expected for what I’ve gone through. She told me to allow myself to feel whatever I feel at any time. To tell everyone what I need from them. She also said that I need to realize that the people who are worth keeping in contact with/in my life will understand my (temporary) absense as of late.
It was a really good session. Shane and I are grieving differently, but that’s expected. He has to go to work and face the “real” world, and I just have to face a 5 year old every day. I see when Shane is hurting and I like that were so in tune with each other that we can notice those things. I just love him so much. He has been my rock for 12 years (on the 18th!), and I’m so fucking thankful that he loves me. That he wants to be with me forever.
Landon has his first t-ball game today. He is so excited… I’m so nervous! When he’s out there in his baseball pants, and cleats my heart just bursts with pride. He is growing up right before my eyes and it’s breakin my heart! My little baby boy is 5, and will be going to kindergarten (!!!!) in 2 and a half months. He’s so smart, so funny, and so stubborn. Hmm…sounds like his father.
Next week, if I’m not by some miracle naturally pregnant, I have to call my RE to set up an appointment. I’ll have an ultrasound, and cycle day 3 blood work. I’m not too sure how it will work from there on out because IVF is uncharted territory for us. I’ve been having all the feels re: IVF. Pretty much a giant mix of guilt/fear/financial concern/anxiety. I think that sums it up.
Today it just hit me though…NEXT WEEK. We won’t start cycling until the first week of June, but it’s so soon. Next week will be the start of my IVF cycle. The cycle that could help us grow our family. The start of another child; a start of another pregnancy. With that comes excitement, too. Excitement is low man on the totem pole though, let’s be real. I think I’m just ready to get things rolling…
I’m ready to give my children a sibling. I’m ready to make our dream come true, at all costs.