three. 

Yesterday was a rough day for me; I knew it would be of course. 

In the morning Shane and I went to the RE. He did an ultrasound to check the size of my ovaries and made sure I didn’t have any cysts. My right ovary was still enlarged, but he said it was all clear on the ute front. They sent me for blood work to make sure the ovary wasn’t producing any hormones. (Later we found out all my labs came back normal)

The RE told us we were cleared for our transfer, and the soonest we can do it is July 18th. That’s like…17 days away. 

It’s very nervous about everything. I mean EVERYTHING surrounding the transfer. We do know the sex of the embryos, and that makes me even more nervous. I won’t talk about all of that because I know it’s a very personal thing for us. 

I started estrace today, 2x a day, until the middle of next week when I will up it to 3x a day. I go in for a lining check on July 11th, and if everything looks well at that appt we add in 2 cc of progesterone shots daily. Along with those two medicines I will also be taking an antibiotic and a steroid. We will then move forward with transfer. 

I have so many emotions surrounding the transfer and everything that will happen after. What if it doesn’t work? What will I do then…If it works, I’m going to spend the next 37 weeks in fear. I’m scared I won’t be able to feel attachment to this baby. I’m scared if something happens to this baby too, I won’t be able to survive it. 

It’s so terrifying, but I know it will all be worth it once we have a screaming baby in our arms. 

I just wish so badly we already did. 

6.

My dear sweet Daughter,

Before I knew you, I longed to be your mother; everything inside of me knew I was destined to care for you. When your daddy and I found out we were pregnant, we both cried. I will never forget seeing your heart beat for the first time on that screen, 135 bpm. Strong. Loud. Perfect.

When we told your brother, he was so excited. I recorded it, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to watch that video again. He was so excited to meet you, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done to tell him you weren’t coming home with us. Your poor sweet brother, he doesn’t understand 100%. He talks about you all the time, and one time he even cried to me saying he wishes he could have held you. That hurt my heart so incredibly much. As parents, we thought it was best that he didn’t see you, as you didn’t look how he would expect. We thought we were doing the right thing, and now I wonder if we didn’t. Your brother loves you very much, K. He takes care of your tree, and sleeps with two of your stuffed animals.

When we announced you to the world, your Brother was the center of it. He held pink balloons along with your ultrasound picture. It was one of the most proudest happiest moments of my life. Everybody knew how hard we had worked to get you, and what we had gone through. We were all so excited for you.

You went with us to Florida, you flew on a plane, enjoyed some Harry Potter world and butter beer. You kept growing strong for us, and at ten weeks we found out that you were a girl. A perfect, genetically normal girl. My heart burst out of my chest with happiness; I finally had you baby girl! I was so happy. I did everything I could over the coming months to keep you safe. I ate well (when I could stomach food- you liked to make me very sick). I made sure I took my vitamins. I didn’t smoke, or drink, or sit around and gain 60 lbs.

I remember the first time I threw up after brushing my teeth; it was awful. It became my new normal. I would brush my teeth and then nearly 80% the time afterward I would puke. You made me puke at very random times, too. My favorite pregnancy moment was when you made me so sick that I threw up and peed my pants at the same time. Thanks for that, sweet girl. Your daddy found it to be hilarious.

I felt you move around 14 weeks. I knew those little flutters were you squirming around in there; Growing and getting stronger every day. When you were super active one day, your brother felt you kick. He was amazed. The look on his face is one that I will never forget. He always asked to feel you after that. I would have let him lay with his head on my belly every day all day had I known he would never feel you in real life. I remember listening to your heartbeat on my home doppler. Always so strong, and clear as a bell. I listened to you a lot. Landon would laugh at me and ask why I was always listening to the baby, so one day I told him that we were going to listen to his heart beat. We put the doppler on his chest, and the speaker next to my belly so you could hear his heartbeat, too. This is one of my favorite memories of you and him.

I can’t even talk about making your nursery, and picking out clothes and things for you because it is too hard. I can’t enter your room. The night we got home from the hospital I walked right into your room. I sat in your glider, and cried my heart out. It was the beginning of my life without you in our home. It was new years eve, and after being in there for a few minutes, we heard loud distant booms. Your dad looked at his phone, and said it was midnight, a new year. He kissed me in your room on midnight, and I want him to kiss me there every new years midnight until the day I die. There was something about that moment we shared with you in that room. It was almost like you knew I needed to feel you, so you made yourself known with amazing fireworks.

The day before you died, I decided I wanted to listen to your heartbeat. I hadn’t done it in a while because I was having regular Dr appointments and things were going great. Your heart beat was 142bpm, exactly what it was at the doctors appointment just a few days earlier. It was the most beautiful sound. I recorded it and sent it to your daddy, to which he replied ” It’s so strong!”. Little did we know that this would be the last time we heard your heart beat. I believe in my soul that you made me get my doppler out, and listen one last time because you knew. You knew you wouldn’t be here with me. You knew I wouldn’t ever get to listen to it on the outside.

Hearing the doctor tell us that you had no heartbeat was the most painful moment of my life. It will always be that moment. You are my daughter and I could not protect you. I failed you. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. Why didn’t I go in sooner? Why didn’t I insist on getting another NST at my Dr’s appointment the 23rd? Why didn’t I advocate for myself better and insist I be sent to a MFM for my history. There are so many things that I wonder about. Could I have saved you? Why couldn’t I save you?

My life carrying you was amazing. My life as your mother is and always will be amazingly sad. You were everything that we wanted, K. You completed us, our little family. You were the missing piece for us, and now we will forever be an unfinished puzzle.

I would take my last breath to let you have your first. Life is not fair, and I will never understand why you aren’t here with me or why you can’t be the little sister to Landon, or Daddy’s little girl…Why you can’t be my best friend. I love you with every ounce of my soul, Sweet Kenley girl. I am so happy you only felt love, and laughter in your short life.

I will always love you,

Your Mommy

 

 

 

expectation vs reality.

I want to start this post off by saying that I am not extremely sad ALL of the time. I know that it may look that way to many of you reading, but it’s not true. This is my blog; my space to write whatever I feel like writing at any given time. Just because I write the shittiest feelings here, or say exactly what is on my mind, it doesn’t mean that I am doom and gloom.

And honestly, if I was all doom and gloom, could you fucking blame me? Didn’t think so.

That being said, I had a rough night last night; Some nights are a lot worse than others. I sometimes can’t find the right words to express how I’m feeling to Shane, which leads me to be grumpy with him, even when it’s not his fault. Sometimes he will ask me what is wrong, and I can’t answer him; it’s the same thing all the time. What is ALWAYS wrong, what will forever BE wrong? That’s what is wrong. I think maybe I just should tell him to assume that if I’m having a bad day, the reason is always the same. This goes for everyone; If I’m moody, or grumpy don’t ask me why- just please assume you know the reason.

Tomorrow we have an appointment at my RE @ 8:15. I will be having an ultrasound, and getting blood work. We will discuss our plans to move forward with the FET (frozen egg transfer) and hopefully get a date! I cannot wait to hear what my RE has to say about our embryos doing so well. Maybe I will bring the it starts with the egg book along in case he wants to see why I took the supplements I did.

I was hoping that maybe we would hear news about the embryos today, but I highly doubt it. The embryologist said we should hear back within a week, so I’m hoping we hear by Friday at least; I would love for Shane to be here with me when they call. I am just ready to see what the cost of this FET will be. I know I need meds, but I really hope that we can keep it under $4k. This process is bleeding us dry it seems. Thanks life, we really really appreciate it.

Today marks 26 weeks since Kenley left us. I have a lot of feelings about it; yet I feel so blank. It’s a fucked up thing, life after loss. I’ve said it before and I will probably be saying it until the day I die. Tomorrow is the 29th; tomorrow will mark 6 months. Half a year? How is that even possible? It has been half a year since I’ve held my daughter– that just doesn’t seem like real life. I guess maybe that’s how everything will feel now?  Maybe everything will just happen in a normal way, but I will feel as if I’m standing still with the world rushing by me? I will never ever understand the reason she was taken from us.

I have begun to realize that this photo is exactly what is going on in my life. I guess the expectation of bringing my living daughter home was just way too much. I guess I’ll just live in this fucked up “reality” instead. I was never given a choice.

expectation-vs-reality

 

 

ptsd.

I’m pretty sure that I have PTSD. I know that’s a serious thing to say, but I know it to be true.

When we were at Meijer today I had to walk past the baby stuff and I felt hot and shaky. The feelings have been here since I lost her, but I think that I’m finally able to notice them and what they are related to. I’m able to see past the grief and recognize other feelings; Anxiety, extreme sadness, fear, guilt, terror all related to the loss of Kenley, and all things surrounding her.

I see diapers and I can immediately picture her closet full of diapers; the dresser set up waiting for a baby that will never come.

I found an article written by Lindsey Henke on Still Standing’s website; here is a snippet from the article in which she discusses her PTSD symptoms (and just for the record, I agree with and feel 100% of these things she discusses…):

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both the following are present:

1. The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with a pregnancy that ended abruptly, never began, or resulted in the death of their unborn child.

2. The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror as they were forced to intensely participate in the birth of their dead child, which also resulted in the demise of their hopes and dreams.

A. The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in one (or more) of the following ways:

1. Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the delivery or loss of pregnancy and child.

2. Nightmares of the event or associated nightmares such as: of your husband now dying, your dog dying, future babies you do not have dying, and horrific things happening that you did not dream of before the event.

3. Flashbacks to the moment when you heard the words, “No Heartbeat” and “I’m sorry your baby is dead” from doctors and nurses.

4. Intense psychological and physiological distress and reactivity at exposure to triggers from the event and reminders of not having the child you planned for (i.e. exposure to hospitals, living babies, pregnant women, the empty nursery, your own menstrual cycle, and even car seats make your heart race.)

A. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and emotional numbing including:

1. Efforts to avoid thoughts (of your baby and the way it was supposed to be), feelings (sad, anxious, guilt, grief, anger, confusion, despair, etc.), conversations about the event (“How’s the baby?” is the worst. I try to avoid that one all the time.).

2. Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma (baby showers, your doctor’s clinic, ultrasounds, friend’s newborn babies, pregnant women, thinking about getting pregnant again…I could go on).

3. Feeling detached and estranged from others – Ah, Yeah! Especially from people whose pregnancies result in living children.

4. Sense of a fore shortened future – YES! Thinking – “My child didn’t live, why should my life be all of the sudden guaranteed.”

A. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the loss):

1. Difficulty falling or staying asleep – Who sleeps well after knowing the worst can really happen to them and has.

2. Irritability – Having a short fuse because life has played a cruel joke on you.

3. Difficulty focusing – On anything but your own grief.

A. Duration of experience is more than 1 month. – Yup! I have a feeling it will be a lifetime.

B. Causes clinically significant distress or impairment of everyday functioning. – Yes! Your life is never the same, people at work think you should get over it but you can’t focus, your relationship struggles in ways you never thought it would, and even doing a simple task like going to Target is impossible because you cry every time you walk by the baby section.

So so so much that last sentence. Holy hell. I cannot even step foot into a Target. That is where I got pretty much 80% of all Kenley’s things. Her clothes, her diapers, her wipes, her lotions, her socks, her onesies, the outfits I bought just FIVE DAYS before she died.

I can’t.

And honestly? I’m afraid I never will be able to go there again. I’m so scared of this being an ever lasting feeling. I hate feeling this way. I hate missing my daughter so much instead of holding her.

I hate seeing babies who are her age. I feel angry. I feel wronged.

I just feel straight up fucking sad; there is no other way to describe it.

I’m sad without my daughter and I’m afraid (read: almost certain) that feeling will be here forever.

 

better.

It amazes me what a dose of antibiotics can do for a sick kid. Landon slept through the entire night, and woke up feeling so much better. His fever is gone, and he is definitely acting like his normal self. I am so thankful because he was scaring me last night. His fever crept up to around 102.5 even after I had given him motrin and alternated with tylenol per his pediatrician. He has eaten a little bit today, and he is up playing. So happy my boy is feeling better.

Shane and I got the pool cover off this morning. It was filled with tadpoles yesterday so we used a hose as a syphon and drained the water (and tadpoles) off the cover into the yard. A chair had blown off the deck onto the cover, too. When we were finally able to see the water, it wasn’t as bad as we expected. We didn’t close it properly last year so we knew it would look pretty nasty. He’s outside hooking up the pump as we speak, and we have the hose in it in hopes that it will fill up by tomorrow. Once the filter gets going, I’m sure it won’t take took long to clear up. We bought a brand new sand filter last year, so hopefully it will make the process a lot easier than it has been the past few years with the crappy old filter we had.

We were all out on the pool deck this afternoon and Shane said that next year he’s going to start working on the pool in early May. Without thinking I said, “yeah well hopefully in April we will have a -* I acted like I was holding a baby in my arms*. I don’t know why, but I started crying almost immediately after I did that. It hurt me so much to even THINK about that. I was so excited for this summer last summer. I swam in the pool with my pregnant belly in the water, and kept telling Landon how much fun we were going to have this summer with his litter sister in the pool. To think about having a new baby, not kenley, in the pool next summer was just too much.

Its the random things now that catch me off guard. I fully expect to make an effort to not look at babies at the store, or anywhere for that matter, but I didn’t expect to be caught off guard by my own hand gesture, and thoughts of next summer.

I keep thinking about this coming Wednesday…

6 months.

It will be exactly 6 months from the day she was born.

I’m just so lonely without my girl. My heart hurts so much.

121d6332360b14ee483aed300355da1d

 

sickness day 2.


Well, it’s official. Landon has strep throat and an ear infection. Yikes. 

He wasn’t any better this morning, and still felt hot as heck. I looked in his throat only to see some nasty white spots on his tonsils. I called the pediatricians office and thank god they had sick hours today! He was running a fever of 102! I could not keep it down no matter what I did. 

She put him on an antibiotic so hopefully he starts feeling better. 

He was all cuddles today and I didn’t mind one bit 🙂 

Also…we decided to open our pool. It’s never too late, right? 

sickness.

Sometimes I have to twist Shane’s arm to make him go out and do things with me, but once we go, he has SUCH a good time. Is this all men? Would they all rather just stay at home, and do nothing? I don’t know, maybe it’s just a different personality type, or maybe he legit just would rather be at home. Our house is pretty awesome and low key so I don’t blame him. BUT, I’m here every day, all day…he isn’t.

Yesterday morning I woke up and felt like I wanted to go to the movies. I looked at moviefone, saw that Independence Day: Resurgence was playing early on Thursday night (opening day was Friday). So I asked Shane and Dustin if they wanted to go see it. Shane gave me a “meh” answer, and Dustin said no because he didn’t have time. I, however,  didn’t let up; I wanted to freakin go. I kept bringing it up to Shane and finally I just made plans to take Landon to my mother in laws for a sleep over. I text Dustin one more time and said last chance! and he said he could go now because he got off work early. Yay! So I bought 3 tickets to the Ultrascreen ($48…fml) and we had a date night + Dundy!

Guess what? The movie was frickin amazing! Take that, Shane! He said “it probably won’t be that good because it looks just ‘ok'”. Pffft. What does he know.

We had a really good night out, and a good night together when we got home. We slept in late, and I made french toast for breakfast while he made coffee. We watched CNN this morning while we ate. But then…my Mother in Law called. Landon was running a fever of 100.3 😦

I went to pick him up and he was curled up in the chair under a blanket. Poor little dude. This is so unlike him; he is so full of energy 24/7. He was burning hot, so we came home and laid on the couch for a while. His fever keeps coming back after the Motrin wears off and he is so achey. I hate being sick myself, so it is super hard to watch a 5 year old moan and groan knowing there is literally nothing I can do to make him feel better. I kept him hydrated, and he ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor with Shane around 4pm. Shane laid him down in his bed, and Landon napped until about 7pm. We woke him up, and brought him into our bedroom (we were decluttering…emotional fucking nightmare for me by the way). 

He wasn’t feeling any better, so we just let him lay around for a little while and watch some more TV. He went to bed at about 9:20 tonight, and I hope that he gets some good rest. I’m sure tonight will be filled with up’s and down’s for all of us. Here’s hoping his fever stays away all night and he can rest well.

Back to the decluttering…

As I’ve said before, when I feel anxious or stressed I tend to slack on stuff that needs done. Well, my bedroom is pretty much a disaster zone because of this. Laundry hasn’t been put away in what feels like 3 weeks; it keeps getting the daily shuffle from floor–> to bed –> out of the basket–> onto the bed –> back into the basket –> back to the floor. I just can’t freaking do it. Little by little it’s getting put away…I promise.

Today though I really felt good about decluttering and organizing the bedroom. Shane and I went in there while Landon napped. Bad Idea. I guess maybe deep down in my  consciousness I knew that the reason I didn’t want to go through everything in my room was because so much of it relates to Kenley. I found my folders from the doctor. I found the folders from the hospital that gave me information on support groups for after she died. I found books from the funeral home. I found cards from everyone telling me how sorry they were that she died. I found my 30th birthday card from Shane that said how excited he was for Kenley to be here; how excited he was for our 3 person family to finally become the 4 person family we dreamed of. I found ultrasound photos. I found the list of names the nurse gave me so I could write thank you cards that never got done.

What do you say in a “thank you” card to a nurse who cared for your dead child?

“Thank you for taking such good care of my child, even though she was dead and nothing mattered anyway.” Because I’m pretty sure that is what would fucking come out on paper. Maybe someday I will be in a place where I feel as if I can write them, but that time is not now. I’ve looked at the boxes of thank you cards I bought, and I want to set them on fire. They make me physically sick. You send thank you cards when you receive a gift…I didn’t fucking get to keep my gift.  

I cleaned up my nightstand, now I need to find a picture frame for Kenley’s 4×6 that I finally printed out. I can’t find a frame that I like enough to house her photo. I don’t even like to look. I hope that one day I’m out shopping and one just speaks to me so I can be done with it. The stress of looking for the perfect frame is seriously stupid. I know it’s just a picture frame, but I guess my irrational brain isn’t understanding that.

Needless to say today can be over at any time.

I’ve noticed lately that when I let myself really think about what happened, I get dizzy. I feel as if I’m going to pass out in a way?  I just feel so emotionally drained these days. I cried myself to sleep a few nights ago. I don’t even know what happened, it just hit me. It’s bad at night, even with medicine and breathing exercises.

These days everything makes me feel like I’m running full speed into a solid brick wall.

 

Yep. Exactly like this.