blah.

I feel very blah today. I don’t really know how to describe it other than that. I’m tired, I’ve been randomly nauseous all day, and I have a wicked headache.

I know these things are normal, but I can’t help but think about my previous pregnancy. I took a medicine for nausea with K that I didn’t take with Landon–could that have contributed to her death?  I definitely don’t want to take that medicine this time around, but if my nausea gets as bad as it was, how will I function?

I think of how tired I was with Kenley. I remember how amazing Shane was about letting me nap whenever I needed to. Now, I can’t help but think, “Well, you’re going to have all the time in the fucking world to nap while Landon is in Kindergarten, and you are all alone without your daughter”. I know it’s irrational to think like that, I do, but I can’t help but have those thoughts.

The same irrational thoughts go along with this current pregnancy, and getting congratulations about it. I don’t want congrats. In my mind I’m getting these congrats on being pregnant because a series of really fucking shitty events happened in my life that led me here. My daughter who I tried so hard for, died, without warning and stole the light from my soul. I went through (and am currently/will always be going through) the worst time of my life. I went through IVF, and paid completely out of pocket (how much is IVF, you ask? We’re looking at a cool $23,000 after this cycle is said and done). And countless invasive procedures to get where I am. Yes, I am pregnant. I am so thankful for this pregnancy, and I will love this child (if I get to keep her) with all of my heart.

It’s just hard. I think that people heard we’re pregnant again and immediately think “ok they’re done grieving”. Nope. Not anywhere near what the truth is. I am not ok with being around your baby. I do not want to see your baby bump or talk about your pregnancy. I am not okay with being around large groups of people yet. The pain of these things, is not gone just because I am pregnant. I don’t know how to explain this to people yet, or how I can make them understand this. I know that some people will never understand it; they will always think that I should “be ok” by now.

I know that people are going to expect one thing from me during this pregnancy and I’ll probably be over here doing the complete opposite, but I hope that they try to understand. If I don’t want to come to the christmas get together this year, I hope you understand. If I don’t want to buy a million gifts, and celebrate this year, I truly hope that you get it. If, on thanksgiving, I would rather be with my family at my house, alone, I hope you understand why I need that. This year of first’s is going to be the hardest, and I need people to just fucking understand it.

I think we need to take a vacation for Christmas this year. Santa can find Landon anywhere, so why not, right?

 

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10 thoughts on “blah.

    • Thank you! I think the large group thing is like…if there’s a large groups the chances are so much higher of there being a baby and me being forced to be in very close proximity to it. I can’t right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      • For me, part of it is pretending to care about conversations I now find to be meaningless, and the cultural expectation that we need to be happy and “ok” in public. It’s exhausting and I don’t have the resources to do that. Oh and talking about everyone’s living children while my daughter’s existence is never mentioned. I can’t imagine ever being comfortable in a group again😞

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Everything you are feeling though it seems irrational is not and its completely normal! You go at your own pace and do what you need to do and if others can’t understand or think you need to be “over it” tell them to fuck off because they aren’t in your shoes and probably never will be. Sending love your way momma ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I try to remind myself that I don’t need to live my life by anyone’s rules and I will do whatever I need and feel however I want to. I’m allowed, I believe I’ve at least earned that right.

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  2. I don’t get why people who have not experienced this kind of loss expect the parents to be better after a certain number of weeks/months. It is never going to be ok. Your daughter died! Why do people act like this doesn’t count as a death. It’s the cruelest type of death that exists. Big hugs 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I don’t understand it either. Like I had a life planned for this child, just because she didn’t take a breath outside of my womb does NOT make it any less tragic. I absolutely agree with it being the cruelest type. ((Hugs)) right back at you, momma.

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