rainbow.

**trigger/pregnancy talk warning**

I wanted to ask for some advice from loss moms who are currently pregnant, or have gone on to have their rainbow. Actually, you know what, anyone can give their input. If you feel comfortable talking to me about your feelings re: all things rainbow pregnancy & the death of your child- please comment! I really want all the input you guys have to offer.

I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to be ok with baby things; diapers, wipes, clothes… I don’t think there is going to be a time where I feel comfortable walking into Target, walking to the baby clothes section and buying something without feeling sadness. Does this change? How did you/will you approach this situation?

How do you feel about seeing newborns/children around the age of the child you lost?

I want to be excited about thinking of names for this baby, and working on her Nursery…but I can’t. I spent so much time working on and in Kenley’s nursery so I can’t even begin to think about tearing it down. I know that I don’t want this new baby’s nursery to be exactly the same as Kenley- the opposite actually. I want this baby to have it’s own identity, and I’m struggling with that. How did you/will you handle this situation? I think this is the hardest for me; I spent most of my time in K’s nursery rocking her, and singing to her.

I know that it’s very personal, grief, and I know that I’m doing the best that I can but I am not about to go stand in the diaper aisle for a few hours until…I don’t even know what would happen. I do not think exposure therapy is something that is good for grief.

What are your opinions?

Today Kenley should be 8 months old. My heart hurts.

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10 thoughts on “rainbow.

  1. I’m sorry you are having trouble. I can’t speak to pregnancy after loss, but hopefully I will be able to in the future. I’m only 6 weeks post loss at 32 weeks. First off – congratulations. Second, I think intense exposure therapy is probably not a great idea, but even in my limited experience, I’ve noticed that a certain amount of pushing through exposure (that I would otherwise want to run away from) has been helping. I still can’t call my pregnant sister in law, but seeing pregnant women has gotten progressively more manageable (even if I don’t like it). So, maybe if you slowly ease into the baby stuff things will slowly get easier? I think you will always feel some sadness, but maybe over time the happiness will win out? Good luck,

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your reply! I appreciate all the insight from everyone in every stage. 6 weeks out for me was the worst time. It was about Valentines day and it was a very dark time.

    For me, seeing pregnant people/babies has gotten a lot easier. Immediately after we lost our daughter, it was just too much to see any sort of baby from newborn-6 months old. Now, I can at least be in the same aisle in the store and not want to run. Granted, I won’t look at them and I’ll more than likely be feeling uncomfortable, but I can handle it.

    As far as shopping for baby and what not, I just keep thinking that unfortunately I don’t need anything. Not a single thing for this baby. Kenley had everything she could possibly need, and more, so maybe that just makes it sting a little more? I don’t know. It’s so weird, and I really hope that it changes as this pregnancy progresses, but currently i just don’t see it happening- I want it to…but it seems impossible.

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  3. You could pass something from K’s room down to her sister. That’s what big sister’s do. And put something in there from Landon. After 4 miscarriages I will be honest I didn’t relax till he was here. That’s probably why the others say Brandon always got away with moreπŸ˜‰. As long as you are trying and you have people watching out for you,try not to be so hard on yourself…( I know easier said than done).

    Liked by 1 person

    • The thing is, everything in the baby’s room will be Kenley’s things. Her crib, her dresser, her glider (this doesn’t bug me because it was Landon’s as well). Her clothes will be hand me downs, literally everything. And some days it makes me super sad to think about, and some days it is ok. I know that we will repaint and decorate differently for this baby, it’s just hard to think about the nursery I made with so much love getting disassembled. I don’t know if that even makes sense.

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      • Makes a ton of sense. I don’t think there is going to be one answer that fixes all this..and I know you know that. If it’s in your budget to do so, maybe donate some of K’s clothes to the children’s hospital. Then buy some new things to start K’s sister in. Please know I think about you everyday . Lov ya

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  4. “A fully-mended heart is not what she found. She expressed that there will always be a hole inside of her aching for the life of her first child. But she found that the hole can work two ways: it can let out light, but it can also pull it in. The emptiness left by the departure of her daughter created space for her whole being to love her son with a sacred appreciation she didn’t think she would fully know if she had not experienced ultimate loss.”

    https://www.babble.com/pregnancy/what-they-dont-tell-you-about-rainbow-babies/

    Im not at this stage in my journey yet, but I’ve been obsessively reading this article about “rainbow” pregnancies.

    πŸ’—

    Liked by 2 people

    • I love this. I read it a while back when I was googling rainbows. Now that we are pregnant again, it’s different. I can’t just feel all determined for a rainbow, it’s a weird feeling. I can’t even begin to explain it.

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  5. I, honestly, am just taking it one day at a time. At this moment, I fully intend on not buying a single thing (I returned just about everything we could after we lost Quinn) until a baby gets here. Chris’ aunt told us last night she would buy anything we needed for the baby and my answer was, well she has to get here first. I am still avoiding all baby showers, diaper parties, etc. We will see how the latter half changes my views…

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    • First- congratulations! I just read your post. I didn’t return anything after K died, but her room is like a nightmare for me…it’s fully finished and missing a baby. It’s haunting. That was nice of his aunt to offer to buy those things, but yes. I feel the SAME. This baby needs to arrive here safely first. We didn’t have a baby shower for Kenley, we had some stuff from our older son and I wanted to buy her everything myself. And I did…and she never got to use any of it.

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  6. Honestly I cried when I found out I was pregnant again because I was so happy but it didn’t make anything any easier in terms of baby stuff or other people’s babies. I still don’t get thrilled seeing other peoples babies. I think it was and still is sometimes hard to wrap my head around that this little one will be coming home with us. It took me probably up to our anatomy scan to feel some serious excitement but then it was usually followed by feeling guilty. We didn’t have a nursery set up for Averie before we lost her but setting up this little ones hasn’t been easy. I bought the first thing for our rainbows nursery last week and instantly thought I was jinxing myself for something to go wrong. Unfortunately my husband and I don’t have all the money in the world and can’t afford to replace everything we got for Averie, and she got a lot, so I’ve struggled with using her stuff for her sister but we don’t have any other options. Plus I like to think she would be using her hand me downs anyways. I did tell my husband that we NEED to buy something specifically for her but we haven’t done it yet. Basically this whole process has been a mind F but I take it a day at a time as I would suggest you do to. Don’t force yourself to stand in the baby isle if its going to cause extreme anxiety. As time goes on I guarantee you will get more comfortable with certain things it just takes time. As far as the nursery take pictures of the way you have it just for Kenley. That way when you are changing it for the new little one it won’t seem lost forever ((hugs))❀️

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