honor.

Somedays I wake up and I don’t get regular clothes on (I must not tell lies). I smack on the yoga pants, a t-shirt and call it a day. Those days I don’t usually put on my Kenley necklace. Somedays it doesn’t even phase me, but some days it really bugs me. Some days I feel like if I don’t wear that necklace, I am not honoring my girl. It’s like I feel as if I’m “forgetting” her if I don’t wear it. I know that’s stupid, and I know that wearing my necklace here in my house isn’t making me any closer to Kenley. I can’t get any closer to her- I’m her mother. I am the one who loves her more than anything in this world.

Sometimes I feel like, as a loss mom, Β I look for ways to honor my daughter that are above and beyond. Like, somehow if I take my love for her above and beyond, she will be able to feel that extra love. I know it’s not true, I know that she knows I love her, and that I would do anything in my power to have her here if it was possible. It’s just another way that losing a child fucks your brain up. It sucks. It’s sad. It hurts. It’s depressing knowing that no matter what I do to honor my girl, it’s just not going to matter when it comes to saving her.

I couldn’t save her.

Maybe honoring her by wearing her necklace, taking care of her tree, making things for other loss moms, makes me feel closer to her. Maybe it makes me feel like I’m caring for her, even though she is not here. I’m not sure what it is exactly. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way.

There are other things that I do now that I need to do every day because I feel like if I stop, it’s one more step away from my girl. Now that we have our hope chest I know that I should take small steps to start putting things in there. I have a shoe box of random things from our bedroom that are related to her, and it’s sitting on my dresser. I think the first step in this whole “hope chest” thing will be putting that shoe box in there.

I don’t know if you’re like me, but when I clean something up I always end up getting sucked into it and looking at it again. Usually tying to clean one thing quickly takes a full day and will get me so off track. I know the second I step into her room and start to unpack that diaper bag, I’m going to fall apart into a million pieces. I haven’t looked at her blanket from the hospital, or the hat. I haven’t re-read her 25% finished baby book that will never be 100% finished. There are so many things that I want to look at, but know that I am not strong enough for yet.

Next Tuesday is 38 weeks. Next Saturday is 38+4, the length of time I carried her. Sunday she will be gone longer than she was alive, and that’s a real gigantic mind fuck.

Maybe next week I will find the strength to go in her room. I don’t know. Maybe not.

Probably not.

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5 thoughts on “honor.

  1. Since I work from home, there are days I never make it out of my pajamas, unless I’m heading to the gym. I then get back into my pajamas or other comfy clothes, if that makes you feel any better.

    Also, funny you should say that about your Kenley necklace. I don’t give much thought to wearing Clara jewelry in the house, but if I leave, I MUST have a piece on. I’ve even left my house only to come back when I realize I’m not wearing anything (usually I slip on the ring I had made in her honor).

    You’re right-you can’t get any closer to her. You’re her mommy and she knows you love her.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My son left us a year ago in August and his memory box and blanket from the hospital sit in the same spot they have been since I came home from the hospital. His ashes are even in there. I can’t imagine putting them away yet. I wear a ring with his name on it all the time I feel like it I took it off I wouldn’t be connected to him anymore. It may not make sense to other but loss moms seem to understand.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. ((Hugs)) that’s exactly the truth- others may not get it but I think the group of loss mom’s get it. I keep wanting to go in her room but I’m just not strong enough.

      Like

  3. I lived in my PJ’s! Who and I kidding I still do. Totally understand those days where you know you need to do something but thinking about doing it makes you want to put it off longer. And that’s ok. I also understand the need to feel closer to our babies. I have several necklaces people made me for Averie and when I wouldn’t wear one out I would feel like I was leaving her behind. I think that’s half the reason I got a tattoo of her name so that I felt like I was honoring her wherever I go now. I made it visible so I could look at it and touch it. Seems strange but we do what we need to in order to honor our babies and feel comfort πŸ’•

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There is nothing wrong with having a slouch day. I have them regularly and find those are the days where I think about Jason the most. We all do what we know helps us get through each day and so far you’ve got 100% success rate of getting through every day and kenley will be proud of her mummy for not giving up. Sending you a big hug!! Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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