rough day.

Our Molly Bear came today. I had to call the post office and ask them to hold it there for me so I could pick it up early because Shane had to be at work before our mail usually gets here.

We went to the post office about 9 am and there it sat. A huge white box, just staring back at me; I almost cried just looking at it. When we got home, Shane cut the tape on the box and we opened it. Immediately I cried. When I opened the box, my beautiful Kenley bear was looking back at me. She is perfect. I don’t think I could have made a better bear for us had I done it myself.

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When I held the bear, I cried. I knew that I would probably lose it, and I was right. She was heavy- 7lbs 5oz- but, that’s what Kenley weighed at birth. It just feels weird to feel her weight in my arms again. Shane held her for a little while, and we talked about it. We said how perfect she was over and over. We said that Landon is going to love her, and want to play with her.

Then, Shane asked if I wanted to go in her room.

We took the bear, and we went in.

I haven’t been in her room since…April 29th. It was so hard. I mean, hard in the way that your chest gets tight, and you can’t breathe. You cry the same kind of tears you cried at the hospital when your baby was born silent; when your whole world came crashing down around you within seconds and you didn’t know how you would ever survive.

We sat there for a while, and just talked about her room. About how beautiful it is, about her clothing, and the “why her” conversation happened again. I cried more. Going in was extremely hard, but I feel so calm in her room. We decided to look through her drawers, and closet. We looked at all of her clothing. We looked in her memory box from the hospital. We opened the envelope that has a lock of her hair. Her beautiful dark brown auburn colored hair. She had so much hair, my sweet girl.

Then, I asked Shane to open her diaper bag. This bag hasn’t been opened in nearly 9 months. I haven’t looked in there with a semi-clear mind, so I wanted to look. We pulled everything out, smelled it, looked through her baby book and sorted out what we wanted to keep specifically for Kenley, and what we could reuse for this baby. There were two outfits that Kenley didn’t wear in the hospital so we kept those out, but the rest is in the diaper bag still. image3

Today was a really hard day. I feel like I ran a marathon on the beach in cement boots.

I just really miss my baby girl.

We put her 2 quilts, and 1 crocheted blanket into the hope chest, along with the diaper bag and all the items we kept in there. It’s a step. It’s a huge step. I know that this room is going to be our new little girl’s room, and I need to work through a lot of stuff before I’m comfortable with that. It breaks my heart to think about taking her nursery apart, but it also breaks my heart to think about leaving it the same. It’s just not fair. No mother should ever have to think about these things.

Someday’s I feel absolutely insane. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next 25ish weeks.

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6 thoughts on “rough day.

  1. Ugh. Yep. Some days are so hard. I still can’t bear to go into Alexander’s nursery. For me, it’s because it is still unfinished. We hadn’t finished it yet, because we hadn’t expected him for at least another month. There are so many unfinished projects that we had planned to finish before he was born. The day we open the door and go in there will be hard. I know it. But you are not alone. You will make it through this. So much love to you, mama.

    Liked by 1 person

    • If it were up to me I wouldn’t go in EVER I don’t think. Every part of Kenley’s nursery was done except one print I had custom made that showed up the day after we got home from the hospital. Her dresser has diapers and wipes and lotions all ready for her…and she will never come.

      ((Hugs))

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending you so much love! I couldn’t bear keeping Jason’s nursery the same and we took it all down two days after he was born. Both our families came to help but I couldn’t stand having his things around when I knew he wasn’t coming home. In the end we had to move as every room in the house reminded me of how different life should have been. You’re doing so well hun, remember kenley is with you the entire way xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So proud of you. What a huge step, and what a beautiful way to honor Kenley. Her clothes, her blankets, her room… these things all show the love you feel for her and the preparation you made for her to come home. That is a good thing… that love. It hurts as much as it does because of how much you love her. It is so unfair that she isn’t here. That loss will always fill your heart. So will your love for her. I love what Jason’s Mummy says… that Little Miss will be sharing that room with Kenley, and I think she’s right… Kenley will love that.

    Liked by 1 person

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