tomorrow.

Tomorrow you should be 11 months old.

You could be walking, and jabbering. I can’t even think about what you would look like because it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

I can’t believe it’s been so long. I can’t believe I haven’t held your sweet body in such a long time. It makes me so sad. I miss you every second of every day.

Today was rough. I think the anticipation of these milestones is what gets me. Obviously the day is bad, too, but the lead up is worse.

I pulled the trigger on two piece of decor for baby A’s nursery today. After I bought the first one, I felt like I was hit by a bus. I pressed “purchase” and I literally didn’t move off the couch for 3 hours afterward. Grief, it’s a really fucked up thing.

I was happy to finally buy something, and then immediately sad and guilty for doing so. I know that those feelings are normal, but damn.

So in the spirit of making myself feel better, and maybe more excited (IDK?) here is what I bought today for her nursery. Ugh. My heart.

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I love our mail man.

Since Kenley died, I have gotten packages in the mail literally every week it seems- some times I get a few at a time. Our mail man has never once said anything about it, he just delivers the mail to us with a smile on his face.

Last week when all of my books came, I walked out to meet him when I saw him pull up the driveway. He said (with a smile on his face) “I’ve been fighting those damn things all day! They’ve been moving all around back there!”, I laughed and almost told him why I ordered 20 books, but decided not to. Today, my candles came. I saw him pull up the drive way, so I walked out to greet him and get the box; it was heavy again so I expected something to be said jokingly. He just sort of looked at me, and I looked at him. I knew he was sort of looking for me to say something (you know how you can just tell someone wants to know what the hell is going on?).

I looked at him and it just flooded out of me. I said, “Thank you for always delivering these packages with a smile on your face! I appreciate it! Our daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks last December and that’s why we are constantly getting packages, so thank you!”…

He looked at me, and said “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I am so so sorry”.

He handed me the box of candles, the rest of my mail, and gave me a smile. Off he went. I don’t know. I just felt like it was the right time to tell him? I’m not sure if the fact that he delivered me a shit ton of stuff last year while I was uber pregnant, and he’s never seen a baby at our house was bothering me and I felt like I needed to tell him, or what…Maybe it’s the fact that I’m showing…again…with no baby here for him to see when I was obviously pregnant all of last year. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I told him today and I hope that I didn’t freak him the hell out.

On that note, like I said, my candles came! I am constantly in awe of people who still do nice things for other people. The company that sent me these candles is a small locally owned company from the PNW. It’s called Aggies on main, and they sell soy candles. I reached out to them by recommendation of another loss mom (Hi Sarah!). The company immediately replied that they would love to work with me. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but ultimately they donated 20 candles to my project. Amazing…just amazing.

Lisa is the woman who I was working with, and she is just one of the most caring people I’ve come to know on this journey. I am so thankful that she chose to help me. The impact her candles will have on a future mother who loses her children will be immeasurable. She wrote me a wonderful note in the card she sent. It brought me to tears.



I also pulled the trigger today on the other items I wanted in the bags.

-Journals +Pens: I did nothing but cry during my stay at the hospital, and I wish I was able to have done something else. I mean, I didn’t even get to really spend time with Kenley. She was with us, and I did spend time with her, but I wish I would have been a little more clear minded and taken more photos, and held her every second I possibly could. Maybe these journals will help someone to clear their mind so that they can hold their baby longer.

journals

-Chapstick: Ugh. My lips were so chapped in the hospital they felt like they were going to fall of my face or bleed. Im thankful to have been given some chapstick by my mom, but I’m sure some people won’t be prepared for the need.

chapstick

-Memories too few: This book is literally like 10 pages, and it’s an easy read. Like I’ve said before, we were given a book and it was just too long, and too “standard”. I feel like when I read this book, that I could have written it myself. Maybe that’s why I like it more than pretty much any other one I’ve read to date. Amazon only had 1 in stock (wtf?) so I ordered it, so they will have to stock more! I hope they stock them soon.

book

I ordered bags to put them all in as well. I’m going to have about 30 extra brown bags, but maybe that will be inspiration to keep filling them…

 

pizza and pneumonia.

Thanksgiving was yesterday and I’m pretty happy it is over. I won’t lie, it wasn’t as bad as I imagined it to be only because we have pneumonia and spent the day here, on the couch, eating pizza and watching tv.

I literally don’t think I could have spent the entire day at Shane’s grandmas with his entire family. I know, undoubtedly, one of them would have said something wrong to hurt us. Not on purpose, of course, but some people just don’t know what to say so they spew platitudes and well wishes. While the well wishes are great, I just don’t want to hear them. I honestly know that people would have been all “omg squee aren’t you thankful for your baby you’re carrying now!?” Um. Yes. OF COURSE. But, that does not bring back the daughter who I lost, or take away the pain and guilt of her death.

Landon went with my Mother in Law over to the family’s get together, and we just spent the day with each other coughing our lungs out. All in all, we are feeling a little bit better, if I’m being honest. I think our coughing is subsiding and Shane hasn’t had a fever in about two days. This is great because he kept waking up shivering in the middle of the night and I know he wasn’t getting any sleep trying to keep track of his medication times and what not.

He went back to work today for the first time in a week, so I hope that he isn’t too exhausted when he gets home (even though I know he will be).

So we’re in the thick of it now- the Holiday Season. I’m feeling very indifferent toward it all. On one hand I want to have the normal Christmas that we usually do especially for Landon, and because it’s my favorite holiday. I love decorating, listening to music, shopping and spending way too much money on stuff that no one needs, and being with my family…except this year, one member of MY family is gone. She got to experience my joy of Christmas inside my womb last year, and I know she loved the music. She knew how much I loved the holiday, and I know that she knew how much she was loved.

And then, 4 days after the best Christmas of my life, I had the worst day of my life.

I’m sure you can see why I’m feeling torn on how to feel about the holiday.

I’ve been trying to toss around what I want to do about a stocking for Kenley. I really wanted one for the longest time, and now that it’s here, I’m not so sure. I don’t know if I can stand to see an empty stocking, every year, with her name on it. Empty. Nothing. All the other stockings will have things in them, and her’s will be empty because she has no use for anything. She is not here; she will never be here.

I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing. I have an ornament for her, but nothing feels right. I’m sure others can relate to the “nothing feels right” thing. I don’t know if I would feel differently about the Christmas season if Kenley had died in like March or something. I don’t know. I think the fact that she was alive during the holiday, and died so shortly after just tears me apart. It just crushes me.

I guess maybe it’s (christmas) just hard because it’s always going to be 4 days before another anniversary of her death? I don’t know. I know that some day down the road I might see it differently, but not this year and probably not the foreseeable future.

I think for this Holiday season to mean something to me, I need to accomplish a few things.

First, I need to get these care package bags together, along with the hats that I crocheted (and my sweet friend Caroline’s that she sent me to donate too!), and I need to tell the Hospital to hang Kenley’s photos…I don’t know why that is so hard to me. I just think that it means we need to go up and see them. We bought them. We spent the time deciding what we wanted to have engraved in them…I need to see them I think.

Second, I need to donate some gifts to a needy family or something. I know that you can get those names off of trees at churches or the salvation army, but I want to know that whatever it is we choose to donate, is being used. I would donate to toys for tots but I don’t know… I want something more personal. If anyone has any ideas, let me know. I would love to sponsor a families Christmas who just couldn’t afford it.

Third, I need to make a plan for her birthday. I don’t know what feels right. Nothing feels right, again, but I want to celebrate her. I know that she knows how much we love her, how could she not? But, I want to do something for our family to remember her too. I know there isn’t a day that goes by that they don’t think of her, either, but I want us all to do something together. I’m leaning toward balloon release, and cupcakes. It’s just going to fucking suck so much to be celebrating a girl who will never actually get a birthday, or to take a breath of air outside of her mother. To be remembering a sweet, beautiful child who I could not save. To be remembering her…instead of watching her shove cake in her face.

Sometimes it’s just too much.

grief

pneumonia.

Shane and I have pneumonia…wtf. 

We both went to the doctor on Saturday and were told it was just chest colds. Well, Shane developed a nasty fever so we took him to the ER yesterday morning. Sure enough- pneumonia. So I emailed my MFM who told me it might be good to be seen just incase (I was having the same symptoms as Shane minus fever). I decided I would go this morning after a bit of soul searching.

I would have to go up there by myself, which is stressful in and of itself because I’ve never been there and it’s near campus and just makes me nervous!

I would have to go to Labor and Delivery alone. The last trip to L&D was last year when I heard Kenley had died so I really didn’t want to go alone, but what choice did I have. 

So I hopped in the shower and told myself I would have gone for Kenley so this baby deserves that too. And off I went. 

I was able to find my way up there fairly easily. I kept giving myself pep talks which I think helped to keep me focused on where I was going. I found a good parking spot, and walked over to the Hoapital through the connecting bridge sky walk thing. I had zero clue where I was going, but managed to figure it out thank god. 

When I got up to L&D I tried to not focus on the bajillion people waiting to hear if their grandbaby was born, and how mom was. But of course right when I signed in and sat down a dad came into the waiting area with a nurse talking to family about how his twins (ugh) we’re just born healthy as could be….at 3 lbs a piece..and we’re doing great! 

3 lbs. 

Kenley was 7lbs 5oz, perfectly perfect. 

Eventually I got called up to registration and talked to the receptionist for a while and we waited for a nurse to come get me. Thirty minutes later a nurse sticks her head out of a side door and says these exact words: 

“So seeing how you’re NOT VIABLE, we’re going to just send you to the ER”.

Nope

I looked at her and said no. I lost my daughter at 38+4 last year (I start crying) and I was sent here per my MFM, so I’m not going to the ER. She seemed pissed and said ok well I’ll go get my charge nurse to talk to you (you’re damn right you will). 

Charge nurse comes out and says ok we will see you (yup.) so they stick me in the quick eval room where I would stay from 10:30am- 2:45pm….No bed. No gown. No proper fetal heart tones monitoring like I expected. I felt like a giant inconvenience to ALL of them. 

So when the nurse came in and tried to do the Doppler I stopped her and said “no, I have an anterior placenta, and I need an ultrasound”. She just looked at me. I said “I’m sorry, I just cannot be here and hear you tell me you can’t find my daughters heartbeat with that Doppler, can’t handle that”. 

The doctor rolled in an ultrasound machine a few minutes later and I was able to see her bringing her legs up to her chest (this must be a favorite for her- I see it often) and her HB was a beautiful 150. Shew. 

She said she was going to have the nurse hook up IV fluids. When the nurse came in, I immediately got all clammy. 

I hate IV’s. HATE. THEM. 

When I had Landon, 5 nurses dug around in my hand for a vein, until finally one said fuck it well put it in her arm! I have an amazing vein in my right arm, please place ALL IVs there. 

This nurse did a FANTASTIC job, and I didn’t even feel it anymore than a regular blood draw. I was super impressed. Too bad her bed side (excuse me…chair side) manner was “meh” at best. 

I was given IV fluids (while sitting in a shitty chair in pretty much a storage closet) and while that was in progress the mobile X-ray people came and took an X-ray. The tech made me laugh, thank god. She’s was all “uh they could have just waited for the IV because now you need to take your bra off and you have an IV in, so this will be fun!” Ugh. 

Couldn’t get the bra all the way off, so it chilled here until my IV was done…

After a while the doctor came back in and said that I had some stuff in my lung which they are calling pneumonia. I was to get an antibiotic shot, and some antibiotics for the next week and be on my way. 

So…antibiotic shots suck so bad. 

I’m tough. I can handle my shit, and have a suuuuppperrrr high pain tolerance…well this shot felt like she hit me with a sledge hammer with the needle attached to the end, and injected burning lava into my skin which caused me to not be able raise my arm. It only lasted about 45 seconds but OUCH. Maybe it was a mix of the whole day, who knows. 

Today was hard for about ten thousand reasons but I made it . I’m ready to be asleep. One good thing, well two good things today- I got an email saying my candles have shipped for the bags! Yay! And I was able to see my sweet baby A dancing. I do not take that for granted. I could watch her all day. 

Books. 

I have been waiting for my “You are the mother of all mothers” books to come, and they are finally here! 

When Kenley died, this book was included in the care pack from the amazing women on my board. I read it every day for about 4 months. I now purchased a special memorial spot for Kenley in the back of this edition: 

Each book has her name in the back and it makes me so happy to be able to donate these to the hospital. I know that when I first read it, it was hard. But, I needed to hear it, it helped me eventually. I truly hope that these books make a difference in the hands of those which they are placed. 

If you’re interested in reading what is inside the book, click here. But…have the tissues ready because holy tear jerker. 

One step closer to having the bags complete. I need to place a giant Amazon order for the rest of the items. Maybe that will happen tonight? 

Shane and I are sick as dogs (can someone explain to me why people say this?) currently and we’re laying around doing nothing. He keeps getting a fever and shivers uncontrollably until his medicine kicks in, and I’m burning hot while coughing my face off which gives me a. A sty headache. Needless to say, last nights sleep was the worst. It’s viral per the doctor today…but seems a little weird to only be viral. 

Tylenol and Mucinex for me; Motrin and Mucinex for him. 

I hate getting sick! There is so much I need to do around the house but instead I’m laying in bed. 

Must. Get. Up. And. Do. Something. 

Maybe I can find the strength to throw some laundry in or something. Uggggh. 

Thursday.

Tomorrow we have our repeat ultrasound in hopes to get the photos the tech needs to say that things look good for Baby A. I’m pretty interested in seeing what photos the tech needed.

After the appointment, we are taking Landon to my mother in laws and we are having a date night!

I can’t wait. I need a good relaxing date night.
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