Today was the day.
We painted over the color I spent months trying to find for Kenley’s dresser. When I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I looked at probably 8 different shades of coral. I knew this one was it when I saw the paint chip. It was pink without being salmon, and orange without being too much like an apricot.
It was perfection.
And now, it’s gone. I know you’re thinking it’s “just” paint, and it’s “just” a dresser, right? Wrong. It was for my baby girl. I knew in my heart that some day I would tell her how long it took me to find that perfect color for her; I knew one day she would grow up and tell me how much she loved it.
Shane told me a while ago that he would paint it for me after I had a major melt down while talking to him about it. But, somehow, it has been pushed to the back of the to do list. I know it’s extremely hard for him, and we talked about it today. Before we started painting I was crying just thinking about actually doing it. Guilt. So much guilt and sadness.
He looked at me, grabbed my hand, and said “we will do it together”.
I am the luckiest woman alive, I believe.
So, together, through many tears on my part, we painted her dresser. We painted our daughter’s dresser; our second loved and oh so wanted daughter.
Painting her dresser, their dresser, was extremely emotional. The dresser is the last piece of “Kenley’s nursery” that we had left. The last remaining specific decor piece and it just felt like someone put that final nail in my coffin for lack of better words. They just reminded me that my daughter is gone, and she will NEVER be alive to enjoy the things I created for her.
That…is a really really hard pill to swallow all over again.
It seems like once a day I have to deal with something reminding me that she’s gone. Not just when I open my eyes and see her picture on my nightstand instead of her sweet face. Not when I feel her abscence in the silence of every day life. Not even when I walk by my dresser and see her urn, memory box and the bear I have that weighs as much as her.
I’m talking a gut wrenching reminder that she is not here.
Like when your insurance lists her as “deceased” on their website…with one date next to her name. Never to have a single claim billed for her medical care.
Or when they deny coverage of the blood tests that ultimately proved you have a blood clotting disorder that killed her.
Or when your son says he’s scared for the new baby because he “doesn’t want her to die, too”.
I’m scared for the new baby too, buddy.
I’m so incredibly scared.
32 weeks today. 5 weeks to go.