I keep setting these lofty goals to write a post about the day Alden was born, yet it just doesn’t happen.
I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m confused. I’m frustrated. I don’t want to eat. I want to sleep all day. My heart is more full of joy than I seriously ever thought possible, yet I can look at her and cry immediately because I’m also more sad than I expected.
Pregnancy after loss. Rainbow baby. These terms seem mild mannered one could say, yet they seem to be cutting my heart up like knives. This rainbow baby, while I’m over the fucking moon to have her here, is just that- a rainbow baby- a child born after a loss. I lost my first daughter; my first daughter died inside of me and I will never forgive myself for not knowing something was wrong.
This is incredibly difficult to navigate; it can resemble the early days after losing Kenley which really scares me. The intense sadness for K is here and maybe more front and center now that Alden is here alive? I’m not sure if that’s the right way to describe it or not. All I know is that life after loss will always be just that. Life after the loss of my first born daughter.
I’m almost hesitant to say how I truly feel, in fear that people might think me ungrateful or that I don’t love Alden. Actually it’s the exact opposite- I love her more then the air I breathe and I am thankful every second for her. I’m pretty sure everyone knows that though.
I love watching Alden sleep. I could do it all day. She is so full of personality already and I can’t wait to watch her grow into a little person who talks and wants to play toys and read books.
She is 8 days old. She sleeps a lot. She wakes up 4 times a night to eat. She loves being swaddled. She is so alert, and knows our voices.
I love this squishy babe so much. Forever thankful for her.