bikes.

Shane’s been on vacation since last Thursday, and it has been so nice having him home. He’s helped a lot with the kids, and with the house. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again- I love having him here, and I wish he was off every day!  We finally watched Making a Murderer; we were obsessed. We had t-ball on Saturday morning and then my mother in law took both kids for the evening. She kept them overnight, and we went out on a date.

We went to the movies and saw Guardians of the Galaxy 2, then got 5 guys and came home to binge watch Making a Murderer. When we got home, we didn’t move until we were finished with the show…5 episodes.

We spent Mother’s day at my in laws which was nice and relaxing. I’m pretty happy I didn’t have to go to a big get together or something because this holiday isn’t very fun. It just…I don’t know. It hurts. I’m a mother, and I don’t have all of my children here. I’m a mother and one of my children is dead because I didn’t understand her pattern of movement well enough to realize she stopped moving. That, doesn’t make you feel like a good mother, I’ll tell you what.

Today, we went to breakfast and then to Lowes to buy shelving for our garage. We cleaned the garage today and ended up setting some things by the end of the road for free in hopes that people would stop to take them.

We sat our some golf clubs, a dog cage, and 2 small tricycles.

Eventually someone stopped to get the clubs, then later someone stopped for the bikes. She walked up to the garage where we were still cleaning things out, and asked if the bikes were for sale. I told her she could just have them for free, and it would help us out. She asked if the cage was free too, and I said yes. She said thank you and that her almost 2 year old grandson would love the bikes.

Almost 2…

After she left, I started to cry.

It hit me kinda unexpectedly, because I had been fine all day about getting rid of them. I just realized that those bikes should be in use. They should be being used by my 16 month old baby girl, BUT instead I gave them to some random person who stopped to pick them up.

I hope her grandson loves them. I enjoyed watching Landon use them all of his life and it is just another small minuscule thing that breaks my heart into millions of pieces all over again…

I think sometimes I am in denial at how fucked up my reality is.

 

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3 thoughts on “bikes.

  1. 🙌🏼 yes to that last sentence! I think in a way we have to be in denial so we get out of bed each morning. I see these people that go through something traumatic or I guess traumatic for them, and they get addicted to a substance or become crazy hoarders and I always wonder how I escaped that path. I would like to think it’s the denial part, that we don’t live in the constant reality behind our situations but what do I know. I understand what you mean about not feeling like a good Mother, but Randi you are an AMAZING Mother. You are a perfect example of what a Mother is. The unconditional love you have for your children and the pride that you have for each of them is inspiring xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Crystal 😘 I wonder how I escaped the path of “darkness” too!! I could totally see that being the easy way out, and I hate to admit that had Landon not been here, I could have gone there.

      This reality is just such a smack in the face every morning. I think we’re all just doing the best we can.

      Liked by 1 person

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