randoms. 

My autocorrect try’s to replace “randoms” with “ransoms” EVERY. TIME.  What is happening, Apple?! That seems a little serious…

Anyway, random time. 

– I met another loss Mom today. It’s the first time since Kenley died that I’ve met up with a Late Term Loss Momma. I had Landon and Alden with me so it wasn’t a very “relaxing” meet up because I would have much rather sat there talking about our sweet girls instead of telling Landon to stop putting paper into the coin slot of a gumball machine….

Alison is amazing and I love her so much. I’m so thankful she’s in my life and I cannot wait to meet her little baby S! A, if you’re reading this- THANK YOU. I needed today 🙂

– Alden was a dream today. She was so good and didn’t fuss once while we were talking over coffee….but she was also awake the entire time…and awake for another 2ish hours after that. She didn’t have her morning nap so she lost her shit in the car. Poor Landon! I thought he was going to throw something because she wouldn’t stop crying.  When we got home she kept crying…I finally got her to sleep and she slept from 5-8:30 pm. I’m hoping she sleeps ok for me tonight because we went to bed around 10:30 and she fell right to sleep. 

– I have an appointment with a new PCP on Thursday. I need to establish myself as a patient so I can get my medicine refilled. My MFM can’t be my PCP so I need to find someone to at least help with that situation. Also, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to have one. 

– Landon only has FOUR days left of Kindergarten! 4!!! I can’t believe it. I swear it’s flying. Also, odd, but he asked my friend alison today if she visited us at the hospital when he was born and I just stared laughing. It’s so weird because I had a friend that I worked with at the time come to visit him and Alison looks JUST LIKE HER. I lost my mind! Sometimes Landon says things that freak me out beyond measure- this is one of them. There is NO WAY he can remember that right?! Lol

– tball is going well. Landon’s enjoying it and he does such a great job. I hope baseball is something he sticks with because I really enjoy watching him play. 

– I need to make a to do list in order to complete some serious tasks this summer. Especislly if we’re ever going to seriously consider selling this house and building. 

– My grief is kind of overflowing my cup lately so to speak. I’m not sure if this is just how it’s going to be now, or if I’m just going through a weird patch again. Nothing sounds enjoyable, music doesn’t make me happy, I feel overwhelmed and anxious pretty much 24/7. I’m not sure what’s happening. My love and grief for Kenley is making me feel extra sad and lost. I am having a hard time believing this is my life again. It’s like some days the fog lifts every so slightly and I can see light so I start to emerge, but then it inevitably starts to get foggy again and I lose the light. 

Always. It will ALWAYS get foggy. 

My brain just turns to mush anymore when I think about my life without her; I cannot think about it without choking up at the very least. I’m so thankful to have so many people love her because I feel like that’s the only way her memory is kept alive. 

I need to do something in her name again soon. Maybe I need to focus my attention on that to help with the anxiety. I have a few ideas but I’m not too sure what direction I want to go- 

• donate books to the NICU 

• donate scrapbooks for the NICU team to use for the babies first few milestones that they cannot experience outside the NICU. 

• a catered lunch for the nurses who took care of us when we had Kenley

• care package donation 

• sleepers to donate for other stillborn babies 

• contact the department to see if there is someone I can work with to decide what is needed most for their hospital group

It all sounds so trivial in comparison to losing her. I hate that I have to keep her memory alive when I should be keeping her alive instead. Some days I think that’s what hits the hardest: I couldn’t even keep my baby alive so why should I be allowed to be here and enjoy this life when she’s the innocent one who suffered. 

Oh Grief, you fickle bitch. 

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