tree.

Landon is getting so good at riding his bike. Tonight he was riding his bike down the driveway while Alden and I sat in the yard. He was doing so well, and yelled “Mommy! I’m going to try to ride to Kenley’s tree!”, so I encouraged him and off he went.

Snap.

He ran straight into the tree, and broke it off at the base.

The tree is dead, I’m almost 100% positive, but I can’t bring myself to take it down. It’s dumb, and it looks awful there, but…I just couldn’t do it.

When Landon hopped off of his bike I knew that he was going to feel bad. He started to cry. He ran over to me and he kept saying how sorry he was. I started to cry, and I felt extremely bad because I knew I shouldn’t cry so he wouldn’t feel even worse. I kept telling him I knew it was an accident and that it was ok it was already dead.

I feel so sad for him still. His poor big brother heart was breaking because he thought he hurt her tree. He is such a great big brother to Kenley and I know he misses her so much. I often wonder if we should have let him meet her. At the time it didn’t feel right; I was worried about traumatizing him. No child should lose a sibling that they never had the chance to meet. I often wonder if not letting them meet will scar him in the long run. I guess there is no step by step guide of how to handle these situations. We did the best we could with what we knew.

When Alden was born and he met her for the first time, I was unable to be there. She was in the NICU and he met her through glass. I saw video of this and I have only ever been able to watch it one time. Β It’s so bittersweet. I want my son to know BOTH of his sisters, and that will never happen. He is so good with Alden. He wakes up every morning and comes to see her; kisses her goodnight every evening. He loved on her while she was in my belly, and he loves on her even more now. He feeds her, and loves to see her smile at him. I cannot wait until she starts laughing at him.

It’ so hard to know that he has all this love in his heart, and he never got to share that love with Kenley outside of my womb.

 

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2 thoughts on “tree.

  1. My living daughter didn’t see her baby sister (stillborn). Actually the thought didn’t cross my mind and nobody mentioned it. I have so many regrets…but you’re right, we do our best. Nobody learns this stuff in school.

    Liked by 1 person

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