Anatomy Scan + stuff

I seriously do not know where time is going, but it seems that after Kenley died the end of the year zooms by. Once Landon starts school again, everything just goes super fast. So yesterday was my anatomy scan. I was 18+5, and everything looked great. She was being stubborn though so we have to go back on November 16th for another ultrasound (obviously not complaining). We got to see her little face for a few seconds; the look like skeletons right now, but it was still cute. She also proved to us that she was indeed a female. She showed us her hands and feet, and also her cute little belly.

I cannot believe that there is another baby growing inside my body. While I absolutely will never understand what happened to Kenley, or why we struggled with infertility for so long, I am very impressed that it is growing another human. I am however also terrified that it’s going to be like, eh, screw you, and kill another one of my children.

We are keeping a very close eye on all things again during this pregnancy, so that makes me feel very confident, but I don’t want to feel TOO confident…it’s a catch 22. I feel like if I start to feel confident in this pregnancy, to feel like hey maybe I will bring home this baby TOO, something is going to happen. But, while I keep feeling “meh” about being pregnant again, I am not connecting with her. I don’t know. I don’t really think there is a way that I can “win” right now…and I’m ok with that.

It is what it is…and I just have to accept that.

In other news, my friend has raised a nice little chunk of money from the Lularoe fundraiser, so thank you to anyone who has purchased anything from that! It’s going to help me clear up the last few things we need to purchase so I’m really happy about that. She also has personally bought some sleepers that she will be sending to me when the fundraiser is over, so yay! I just cannot believe that Kenley’s birthday is so close…again. I cannot believe that I should have a 2 year old. It’s insane and my brain literally cannot handle that fact somedays.

Some (most) days I stop and think “how is this my life?” but oddly, it just is…

Last night was trick or treat in our town. Landon was Master Chief from Halo (a game he has never played before in his life….but he liked the way the costume looked lol) and Alden was a pumpkin. I wanted her to be a cute little unicorn, but I procrastinated and put off buying it then of causer it sold out and everyone wanted me to pay like $70 for it on eBay and I was not going to do that. So, yesterday after our appt we went to Target and bought her the pumpkin outfit. She looked SO cute. The little hat smushed her face LOL, but it was still adorable. I felt bad because it was freezing cold, and she would of course rip off mittens, but she wore a blanket pretty well and had a good time I think.

Shane’s been working on his tattoo for Kenley. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it or not on here…but, it’s amazing. The thought and detail he put into it just blows my mind. I love him so much, and I love that he loves our girl just as much as I do and wants to memorialize her in this way. So perfect. He’s had two sessions so far, both of which have been outlines, and shading. His next is in December for the coloring! It’s going to look amazing when it’s all colored (it already does).

We’ve sort of put the house hunt on hold until the spring I think. We found land, then someone bought it the next day, so we had the wind taken from our sails…If we find something, then who knows, but I don’t know that were in a big rush. We have Thanksgiving, Christmas, Kenley’s birthday, Landon’s birthday….the new Baby, then Alden’s first birthday. Needless to say we will have our hands full for a while. I really don’t like the idea of potentially building or buying a house with a newborn, and a brand spankin new 1 year old, but hey that’s the adventure of it all right?…ha.

Landon’s been working on second grade math, and a second grade spelling list at school and he’s doing so great! I am so proud of him; he’s growing up so quickly. He brought home a chapter book from the library and he is so excited to read it. He took it with him on the bus today, and I hope that he enjoys reading it. His teacher does something where she rewards the children for every 500 pages read. Landon is working toward 4,000 pages so he can have 15 minutes of free time at school. I love watching him learn, and it blows my mind that he can read books! Can’t believe he’s growing into this little man…

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A fundraiser for Kenley

A sweet friend, Amy Jo has started a fundraiser for Kenley! Amy sells LulaRoe, and she is currently running a special on ALL of her products and all proceeds go to help us finish up the last of the donations.

We currently need 17 more hand print mold kits which I would LOVE to have. Those are so important and I cannot explain to you how badly I wish I had a print of Kenley. It’s like I would have a piece of her, sort of? I don’t know but I REALLY want parents to be able to have this.

We need a few more sleepers, and we also need about 30 ” The Invisible String” books.

I am so thankful that Amy is doing this for us. Even if we raise $5, it’s more than we had.

Please follow the link below to check out her inventory! It’s a win win because everything is discounted and we will receive 100% of the proceeds!

fundraiserfundraiser1

Click HERE to shop the fundraiser!

 

Click here to shop the remaining items on our Amazon wish list!

 

7 months.

So, Alden is somehow 7 months old! Where has time gone? It’s a crazy thing, time. I feel like Kenley just died, that I just had my transfer, that Alden was just born, and that we just came home from the hospital. I can’t believe that she’s literally a few days away from crawling, has two teeth, and says momma!

This is new, too! She was on her knees trying to stand while leaning on her toy basket today. She’s so much fun!

She loves food! She enjoyed these scrambled eggs the other day, and loves pretty much anything.

She’s doing really well sleeping after some rough cry it out nights. I love her so much. I knew the love I would have for her, because I already had Landon and knew that mother/child love. But, when I hold her and she looks at me, it’s different. She has brought so much light back into my life. Yes, I am still sad. I lost my first born daughter and she will always be missing from my life. So I will always be sad for her, but Alden helps to heal my soul in ways I could have only dreamed of.

There was once a time when I feared I wouldn’t be able to love her properly…how wrong I was.

I love you sweet girl. You are so special.

time.

As this year rolls on, some of the first loss moms I met after Kenley died are “celebrating” (what an awful word) their dead children’s 2nd birthday’s. It’s the same general consensus, though: It doesn’t feel any better. It’s less raw, sure, but it is still the most painful, and absolutely heartbreaking thing to ever happen to us. It always will be.

There also seems to be another popular theme surrounding the time passing after a child’s death.  Everyone is expecting us to “feel better” by now.

Feel better!? We’re not sick or sad! Our children died. What the fuck?

I was talking to a few friends the other day, and we were discussing PTSD and the effect it has on our everyday life. We all agree that most people don’t believe PTSD after child loss is a real thing, but it totally is. There are so many triggers in every day life, and people just expect you to be ok after a little time passes. It’s a different scenario, obviously, but would you tell a War Veteran to “forget” killing people? Or to “forget” seeing his “brothers” get blown up by an IED, or suicide bomber? NO. You would never. NO ONE would ever tell those people to forget those things. That is awful for those war vets; it’s terrible, it’s tragic, people died, they witnessed it, they have to live with those things FOREVER. Those are things you cannot erase from your mind; those are things that haunt you forever no matter how hard you may try to suppress them.

So, what is so different about our situations?…

We witnessed death.

We held OUR lifeless children in our arms.

Some even had to make the choice to end life support.

We have to live every day with those images in our head. (Images that are supposed to be joyful, and wonderful, and they are–except they’re not. They flood your brain every single time you close your eyes and see your child who was blue, or had dark red rosy lips…)

I don’t understand how people think that child loss PTSD isn’t real. 

One friend said someone told her she should be able to “fake” small talk with people, and that she needs to be happy for other people’s happy news (i.e. pregnancy announcements). She said something to us in reply like “imagine having your baby die, and tell me if you ever want to attend another fucking baby shower…”

Trust me, you won’t.

It’s not like we are all sitting over here wishing other peoples babies would die; we’re not. We’re over here wishing WE weren’t the statistic, wishing OUR babies had lived, wishing OUR lives never took a turn for the worst, wishing OUR families were complete, and that WE could be excited about our subsequent children without the fear, and sadness of having lost other children.

As the seasons change, and Kenely’s 2nd birthday creeps ever closer (81 days) I wanted to make it known that the sadness doesn’t “go away“. I want people to know they’re wrong if they think I should be “better”. And finally, if you ever tell me that I should be better, I shouldn’t be sad over the death of my daughter, or ANYTHING similar…I’m pretty sure that will be the end of our relationship.

Please join me in honoring Kenley and all of the children gone too soon on Sunday at 7 p.m. by lighting a candle in their memory. If you have extra thoughts this week, please dedicate them to the life of my daughter; she deserves to be remembered.

She was here.

She is real.

She is my Daughter.

She is a Sister.

She is a Granddaughter, and a Great-Granddaughter.

She lived and only knew love.

She is my greatest what if.

ring.

Two years ago today, Shane gave me a past, present, and future ring for my birthday.

The ring is beautiful, and I wear it every day. I never take it off.

I was pregnant with Kenley at the time.

This ring is the only thing I have as a “gift” from Kenley.

Today, Shane gave me a card and he had written the sweetest things inside.

This post really has no meaning. I just can’t believe that this is my second birthday without Kenley, and that can only mean one thing…Only a few more months until HER second birthday.

How should she be almost 2? I can’t wrap my head around it.

I miss you, sweet girl. I miss you so much. You are perfect, and beautiful and I would give anything to hold you in my arms again.img_203817a364d2-2d0f-4094-bcf4-8d2d2487ea71

had.

Today while feeding Alden I felt like I was hit by a bus. I don’t know why but I looked at her and thought of Kenley.

How I HAD her.

How she was 7 days away from her c-section.

How I could have been feeding her,

But I never will.

It just washed over me again; the pain and sadness of loss hit me hard.

I miss her. I want her here with us. I want to see what she would look like. She was full term.

Full term babies aren’t supposed to die.

No babies are, but full term?

I’ll never fucking understand.

Also, today I put away my dishes only to eventually realize that they were dirty.

Grief is a bitch. I cannot focus.