had.

Today while feeding Alden I felt like I was hit by a bus. I don’t know why but I looked at her and thought of Kenley.

How I HAD her.

How she was 7 days away from her c-section.

How I could have been feeding her,

But I never will.

It just washed over me again; the pain and sadness of loss hit me hard.

I miss her. I want her here with us. I want to see what she would look like. She was full term.

Full term babies aren’t supposed to die.

No babies are, but full term?

I’ll never fucking understand.

Also, today I put away my dishes only to eventually realize that they were dirty.

Grief is a bitch. I cannot focus.

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